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(no subject)

Jun. 7th, 2011 | 12:16 pm

it's summer in the city. i miss the beach. the beach here has giant waves, which i feel childishly afraid of... & last night dru showed us pictures of two shark heads that she found washed up on the shore of the very same beach. on the train yesterday, this little girl was sliding up & down the pole... i found myself wondering if dirty old men thought dirty old stripper pole thoughts, & was relieved when her father finally angrily pulled her down & forced her to sit down. but what happened to those carefree days when those thoughts never crossed your mind? i think that's why i love mushroom days. i feel purely like i feel a child would feel, & everything seems like something to look at. i wish the mail would come. i'm a lot happier most of the time these days, but i'm still always tired.

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(no subject)

Mar. 2nd, 2011 | 03:44 pm

nov 21st 2010

(i'm impressed i could write on my ipod when i can't currently write on a keyboard)

I always assume that each bout of whatever is the worst. Like holy shit, this is it, yeah, this time. I will however remain impressed by the total isolation i've managed to achieve this time around. No phones, no friends, only a machine that offers me primitive typing & sketchy reliability at best. I find my voice works less by the day, & my drive to try & utilize it even more diminished. Out of fear & sadness, insecurity, & then inexlicable pride and inability to understand why i should be held to any standards pertaining to effort. Returned to my island, the literal one & the one that floats about in my head, teetering threateningly into the endlessness of an unforgivingly harsh & evergrowing ocean. Being swallowed slowly, almost unnoticably, until my tides are only hints of white on an otherwise flat horizon.

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(no subject)

Mar. 2nd, 2011 | 02:54 pm

i haven't written in a long time. it's because i have nothing & everything to say. i have been waiting for this moment to have the computer in privacy for days, because i don't have a typewriter, to get something out, but i've been sitting here staring.

before i go out on the fire escape, i feel okay. i light my cigarette, i inhale, & for half a minute, it feels sweet. i realize then that i feel like crying, that all the lonely moments in the day build up to this one moment when i am completely alone & only allowed to feel it for those 3-6 blink-fast minutes at a time. & that is being generous, because i can't afford to smoke whole cigarettes anymore (also a generous statement. i can afford to smoke Zero Brand cigarettes). it is this confusion that gets me. i'm depressed because i'm confused, or i'm confused because i'm depressed? it's a riddle that's been lost on me for 3 years. i've been a sad fuck for as long as i can remember, but i used to at least be sure of what i wanted. but in the end, a decade doesn't mean anything, there isn't & never was a friendship, unless friendship means fucking. if you can't have all of me, you don't want any of me. you gave it your all, but where's your mileage? it never crossed your mind that it might mean something. i'm not alone but lonely, so i give myself the only cure i know: i run, i run, i run until i hope i don't have to run anymore.

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(no subject)

Dec. 13th, 2010 | 09:56 pm

& if you ain't runnin with it run from it mothafucka, aright

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(no subject)

Nov. 21st, 2010 | 01:36 am

Every minute deals a new blow, from one temple to the other with love, hate, anything else.Returned to my island, the one I ran from in fear of suffocating isolation only to find myself voluntarily drowning at the peak, leack

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(no subject)

Feb. 21st, 2010 | 03:05 am

i can't decide if i should make an entry or not.
today was really difficult emotionally, for no reason in particular. family-wise i'm more clueless than ever as to where it is i stand, specifically in my 5 yr old nephew's life. i know these are all meant to be steps in the right direction--that he sleeps on his own now, that i'm moved to the dreary basement, that my brother or his girlfriend (presumably more permanent fixtures in his life) are getting him ready for & taking him to school.. but i couldn't help but feel a sense of loss, especially when i woke up yesterday morning & he was already gone. mornings were my favourite time of day with him because they are the most hands on & without distraction from television & video games if i move quickly enough. his pet fish died while i was gone. evidence suggests he still hasn't noticed. i feel sad about fishy being gone even though he had a miserable life & his usually dirty fishbowl was a disgusting fixture to have next to the dishrack.

i told niko before bed to wake me up when he got up. i woke up a little before 8 & felt depressed, thinking someone would be getting him ready for school soon. i tried to realize it was ridiculous, half-accepted it & fell back to sleep. around 9 i heard footsteps & realized it was saturday, wished i had gotten up the first time because i was wide awake then. as soon as i got up, i didn't feel up to task. i felt so listless all day, so empty of anything except this huge knot in my stomach. as usual niko wanted to do only the things i don't like to do, video games, cartoons, legos. i got really frustrated with legos. i detest the fucking things & want to melt them all. niko was seemingly just as bored & listless as i was. i got him to colour for 5 minutes, if that. i even suggested playing outside, in the snow. "there's nothing to do outside," he complained.

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(no subject)

Jan. 6th, 2010 | 01:52 am

year year year year year year year year year year year

polluted with suicide & self absorption. if only thought or feeling were an option. the low beam leap & the forgotten birthday blow out. the baby forsaken like the fish in the dirty bowl & the dog at the side of the road.

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(no subject)

Sep. 15th, 2009 | 05:11 pm

wearing your clothes head down to toes, a reaction to you

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(no subject)

Jul. 27th, 2009 | 02:07 pm

just rolled worst cigarette ever. i woke up today to roommate cleaning house & regretted not writing a note that said "don't do the dishes or clean, am going to do it," because i felt too guilty to get up. i briefly got up this morning & tidied a bit in the living room & managed to misplace my cigarettes. i was half asleep so they could be in the refrigerator for all i know. i don't mind a rolled cigarette but my heart is racing today, leading me to believe that my heart runs on anxiety alone. my body is only made of beer & panic. i've grown to loathe nice days more than anything else.



here's to a messy life.

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(no subject)

Jul. 8th, 2009 | 05:28 pm

in the past 2 days i've filled 10 garbage bags full of clothes i'll never wear. i've also cleaned parts of the house a bit. i've also been working on those days. i'm just tired. i don't want a roommate. i felt obligated to say yes & every time i think about it, i feel that my freedom is just getting that much more limited. i know that maybe he won't be around much, that maybe he won't be that noticeable, but i think that he will be over all these fucking technicalities. i won't be able to walk around my house in any manner i choose, i won't be able to drink a beer in the afternoon if i want to, stay up all night watching movies & dancing to loud music in the living room, take an hour long shower or sing at the to of my lungs, pluck unwanted hairs from my face in the preferred light of the living room, there will be fucking MEAT around probably, things will have to be kept clean & i'm just not clean or tidy. a million fucking things make me dread this to a point that i want to cry. maybe i'm overreacting, but i actually don't care. if anyone ever knew anything about me i think the fact that's always remained true is that i like privacy. i just feel like it's a big invasion. i keep thinking about how terrible it was before when i had roommates. maybe i am overreacting. & there are other things. it's just all stress, one thing after another. i feel okay then something new happens. the past few days i feel like i'm having a nervous breakdown, losing my mind, etc. where does all of this end. where do the clothes even end. the answer is they fucking don't.

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