behind my smile, it shakes my teeth

wearing your clothes head down to toes, a reaction to you

just rolled worst cigarette ever. i woke up today to roommate cleaning house & regretted not writing a note that said "don't do the dishes or clean, am going to do it," because i felt too guilty to get up. i briefly got up this morning & tidied a bit in the living room & managed to misplace my cigarettes. i was half asleep so they could be in the refrigerator for all i know. i don't mind a rolled cigarette but my heart is racing today, leading me to believe that my heart runs on anxiety alone. my body is only made of beer & panic. i've grown to loathe nice days more than anything else.



here's to a messy life.

in the past 2 days i've filled 10 garbage bags full of clothes i'll never wear. i've also cleaned parts of the house a bit. i've also been working on those days. i'm just tired. i don't want a roommate. i felt obligated to say yes & every time i think about it, i feel that my freedom is just getting that much more limited. i know that maybe he won't be around much, that maybe he won't be that noticeable, but i think that he will be over all these fucking technicalities. i won't be able to walk around my house in any manner i choose, i won't be able to drink a beer in the afternoon if i want to, stay up all night watching movies & dancing to loud music in the living room, take an hour long shower or sing at the to of my lungs, pluck unwanted hairs from my face in the preferred light of the living room, there will be fucking MEAT around probably, things will have to be kept clean & i'm just not clean or tidy. a million fucking things make me dread this to a point that i want to cry. maybe i'm overreacting, but i actually don't care. if anyone ever knew anything about me i think the fact that's always remained true is that i like privacy. i just feel like it's a big invasion. i keep thinking about how terrible it was before when i had roommates. maybe i am overreacting. & there are other things. it's just all stress, one thing after another. i feel okay then something new happens. the past few days i feel like i'm having a nervous breakdown, losing my mind, etc. where does all of this end. where do the clothes even end. the answer is they fucking don't.

i don't really know why. everything is just weighing on me & i have no tolerance for stress. three days til there's a new roommate & nothing has been done. don't even know which room to put him in. my house is infested with flies because there is so much filth. i have a ridiculous amount of things & nowhere to put them which will be worse without spare bedroom. i have to work all the time & i have nothing to show for it, can't even afford rent. i can't afford to drink anymore. i can't really afford to smoke either but do anyway. i gained a lot of weight. if i ever had any talent i don't do anything with it. i feel stagnant. i don't know what to tell anyone. i just want to disappear. i want to go back to bed forever. i want to not show up. i want to disappoint everyone. i want the end of the world. want want want but do everything not to get it.

today i got some thing about frequent flier miles i the mail & i feel pretty stupid for not using air travel as my preferred means of long distance travel. all you have to do is get real fucked up, hop on a plane, fall asleep & you're there for cheaper (at least currently) & faster than any other way! i should have been flying all along & then i'd have been able to fly for free.

i'm sick. this is simultaneously awful & great. yesterday all i had was a sore throat & today i had that plus runny nose while at work, but as soon as i got home i got that great feeling of altered senses & delirium which should obviously accompany the shitty parts so that you can feel a little better. i feel all fucked up.

guess who won! i called the girl that we scheduled for sunday & she just said "... well, do you mind working today?" i reluctantly replied, "no, but... i was kind of hoping i didn't have to." nicest girl ever, she almost happily replied that she would do it! i feel a bit bad for using the Power of Manipulation but sometimes i suppose it's necessary. historical day today, i hope nothing & nobody make my good mood go sour.

i had this. where did it go? so creepy but her voice was so SOOTHING.

wish i remembered how to write about my emotions a bit though. my writing just reads like a list now.

i've been having really bizarre & vivid dreams lately. one involved me being accused of a murder i don't think i committed, but somehow i ended up with the finger of the victim. i think i've been watching too much law & order. my mom was consulting with lawyer friends but was supposed to keep it quiet about me being a suspect in the murder. she didn't consult lawyer friends at all, just went on an online forum & spilled everything & when i woke up the drive-in movie screen in my backyard was blaring the news with a giant picture of me & all these kids from high school were laughing. i kept yelling that the thing i was most afraid of was being accused of something i didn't do. last night i dreamt my glasses broke & as a result i had to go to this woman with all these contact lenses. she had my prescription but all she had were those weird halloween lenses that make your pupils look like cat eyes or red or whatever. i wanted the vampire ones because they were the least ridiculous but i kept dropping them & couldn't find them & when i did & put them on my eyes they were torn which caused immense pain. also there's one dream from i have no idea when that keeps being referenced in other dreams, at least i think, where my grandmother's house had this secret door & behind it was the rest of her house which was a victorian mansion & had all this antique shit in it but from the outside it all just looked the same as her real house, which is a kind of ugly beige suburban house in ohio which you can probably imagine if you try.

it's been raining here for the past week pretty much. it was nice yesterday afternoon & this morning but now the sky is darkening & seems a little like thunderstorm weather. which today i don't mind because it's 'reggae sunday' here which is where all these people come to the island, listen to shitty reggae music & get over-served & absolutely wrecked & thus wander into the store & make our lives miserable. i feel like asking everyone if they know how to read or possess any common sense. i keep snapping at people. i want to just lose my shit & yell. we can't afford our rent this month so it makes all of this seem even more pointless. i'm sick of this daily routine. wake up hungover, wait to go to work, work, spend all money on beer & cigarettes, drink, sleep, wake up hungover, etc. i wish i had a normal job, where i could just wake up one day & say "i'm not going to go into work today," & not become the scum of the island for it. i would be blacklisted. i would probably be blacklisted even if i just gave a two week notice. i just want to say i don't owe ya'll shit. anyway now i have to get dressed. my eyes are for some reason extremely bloodshot. maybe because of those like 5 bowls i smoked basically to myself last night. why i insist that i'm not fucked up when i'm slurring my speech & stumbling is beyond me. in my mind i'm completely sober until i'm blacked out, then i'll realize/admit that i'm fucked.

"you're not even gonna give that seat to the gimp?" L at a bonfire about a boy who broke his leg.

also after going about 3 years without being at a party that's been busted by the cops, i've been now to 2 in a row. the second one all they said was, "party's over, get the fuck out of here. we'll put the fire out." still, they must have been a little happy about the recycling bin we implemented.

for the first time in possibly a week i'm not extremely hungover.

swore all day yesterday we wouldn't go out last night, but that became impossible upon leaving work because our next door neighbours were having a party in the middle of the street & we couldn't not go. there would be no way to get home without them noticing. then it was, "we can't go to the bar," followed by, "well, we have the check book, we could go have a drink." haven't been on a bender this long probably since last year. today is finally my day off except i went down to the store to buy beer & got asked to work. i knew this was going to happen. i should have trusted my gut & stayed inside. the past three days have been so stressful at work. one because i hate it there anyway & even a minute there is agonizing & now my hours have increased. two, because of stupid memorial day weekend the amount of people i have to do with has multiplied by a ridiculous amount. literally from barely making 70-100 customers to 590 customers yesterday. there's no time to take a break. i was just really looking forward to my day off, even more so than usual & now this. i only have to work for three hours but still it's going to feel like for fucking ever & all i can think about is what a fucking waste of life this is. the good news is i made myself a pretty delicious salad with everything i could think of in it.

she says please stay a while, like ice cream floats & dreams. & i will fill your heart with boats & bells & beans & candy appled everythings

i need to paste your skin around the mailbox & hold the postman in your smile

also i'm nervous that my party won't be what i want it to be. a real party, a fun party, not awkward but just a good time. in my head this can only be achieved by having large amounts of people, which really isn't true but it does add spice & variety. i think the problem is that everyone knows everyone too well & stick to their own social groups, too many young ones show up & some intensely bad fight usually happens or somebody somehow gets hurt. also when cocaine is present it does nothing to aid everyone. half the people that live here are white trash & not people i would be friends with under normal circumstances. i only have maybe 4 friends that i would call friends. it can never be one of those situations where you haven't see someone in ages & it's really exciting. i want to get drugs for my party but there are no drugs to be found. i want to supply beer for my party but i am broke. i want everyone to have a good time at my party but i don't even know who is invited yet. i just am tired of all the parties i don't have any fun at. it's okay sitting in the basements or corners with james & sam & having good conversations, i guess that's what would happen at a party anyway is a bonding session with some individual, but i long for the real parties, the ones you jump around & have multiple bonding sessions, the parties of legends. a real party. i just don't want to be disappointed!

spent entire day yesterday moaning over hangover induced nausea. went to the bar the night before, didn't feel drunk which was awful, ordered cheapest whiskey shot ever, big mistake. basically i don't remember anything after drinking the second half of the shot (legion shots are actually small drinks, definitely not shot sized). was a good night presumably, aside from the fact that i got upset over nothing & went to bed only after apparently kicking my computer? & throwing some things in anger. embarrassing. luckily the computer is fine. black out me is not real me in any form.

more drama at the store. the woman that was mad at me for not voluntarily staying until 8 the other night now wants the bike that she gave me back. she said it was on "permanent loan" presumably for petty situations like these. she didn't even tell me she wanted the bike back, she told a co-worker. apparently also told him that i spent a whole shift "not talking to her" even though she spent the whole shift wandering around the store & not being present. whatever. like i've been saying, if i wanted to be in a high school situation like this i would have gone to high school. i want to write her a letter, probably admitting my defeat, but just to explain myself & my situation. of course i'm going to text my friends that i left behind, of course i'll do anything to put myself into fantasy mode instead of being a part of my own reality because i'm unhappy with my reality. anyway, this is a woman that prides herself on being an honest individual, someone that will "tell you to your face, not behind your back." of course anyone i've ever met that has said that is full of shit & talks more shit than the average person. i openly admit that i'm a shit-talker. most people are, why not admit it. i'm trying not to let her get under my skin but it's just so petty & annoying. i guess i expected a middle aged woman to be more mature than a 16 year old girl. again proven wrong. i should have learned it from my mother, but she is an extreme case.

there's a beach party on saturday. house party at my mom's has been moved to next week. watched a documentary last night about the dandy warhols & the brian jonestown massacre. the singer of brian jonestown is crazy angry about absolutely everything which is really absolutely nothing. at first i thought it would be unwatchable because everyone sounded like such an asshole but i became completely sucked in & i would recommend it if i knew what it was called.

my mood has been destroyed by technology.

the internet hardly works, my phone doesn't work right, i just tried to vacuum with an over 200 dollar vacuum & that didn't work, my jeans & ass are wet because i sat in a chair i failed to realize was wet (this is related because i was attempting to use my phone at the time & i wouldn't have sat in it otherwise). i'm tired of crumbs all over the floor sticking to my stupidly sweaty feet. WHY WON'T THINGS JUST WORK AS THEY SHOULD, THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE INVENTED FOR.

today at work i was bored so decided to straighten tins of cat food & SLICED my thumb on a metal shelf. it was shocking. it was one of those wounds that at first doesn't bleed, just is open & looks grey inside for a couple seconds before blood comes rushing out. one of the deli ladies put a band-aid on me & made me vegetarian version of the lunch special (chicken burritos). also, it was ridiculously slow for the first four hours but i tripled the amount of customers i had in the first 3 hours by the time i left!

planning on having a party at my mom's (empty) house on friday? i think? it will have to be friday because there is a beach party on saturday. a bit worried because my mom wants me to give the key to the house to the realtors. torn on whether or not to ask her whether or not we can have a party, skip my mom & ask my grandmother instead (it's her house), & on whether or not to call it a "party", a "get-together", "having a few friends over" or say nothing at all & just tell the neighbours we intend to stay there over the weekend to ensure nobody calls the cops because they think some kids broke in. also this party will be 21+ to ensure no children show up & ruin it. anybody who feels like coming up to maine for the weekend is welcome, it may or may not be our CD release party because we are going to call up beer companies to send supplies. also a lot of people might not come because they think it's "too far" which is ridiculous because i'm sure most of these people would venture into town to go to a party & this party is still on the island. also i wanted to get ecstasy for J, S & i but it's probably too short notice & i don't know any real drug dealers.

i haven't listened to my new favourite song in two days, what the fuck is going on. there you have it. a not all entirely negative post!

it's a strange experience to be back here. went out one night & shelbee said that she loved coming back to the island because nothing ever changes. i wanted to say that this is what i hate about this place. the nothingness we try to turn into something but still fall a little short. it's a dulled, small version of what you'd find anywhere, but it's like an imitation of a real life someplace else. went to a fire at battery steel the night before last. disappointment set in on arrival when i realized that the amount of people less than 16 outweighed the amount of people over 21. i just don't even understand why anyone would want to hang out with a bunch of 14 year old children, why they would want to hear what they have to say or why they would want to get drunk with them. the only entertainment i can squeeze out of them is probably malicious, young means dumber & thus easy to make fun of. you do a double take when you see a 23 year old slap the ass of a 15 year old. this is just the way things are. when it's a fun party it's still usually still not quite a fun party. when it's a fun night at the bar it's still a little depressing. when there's live music you still think god this asshole just sucks so hard the shit just gets sucked back in. you would think a break would make you appreciate the finer things. maybe the beauty of this place. i've never NOT appreciated how pretty it is here, but it's not enough to make me forget the things i hate about this place. it's just become old. the charm of a small town has completely disintegrated--i long cities, real ones, think to myself what idiot would ever want to live in a small town or the countryside. you're either the odd one out or everyone thinks they know you or both. i don't want to go where everybody knows my name. i don't want to be some tourist attraction in the summertime. there is nothing primitive about me or about the way i live & it's astounding how many outsiders think otherwise.

other than the negative, it's still strange. it's strange how quickly you're expected to resume normal life again. it's strange how i put up with it when all i want is to get away from it. it's strange that my real life feels like some twisted fantasy gone wrong & my fantasy life, my vacation, made me feel more real & human than ever before. brain says to mind, since when do you fuck like this.

leaving today. nervous about plane. don't want to leave. hate packing & i just packed a box full of stuff to be mailed & my dad said "they'll re-package it" but my dirty underwear is somewhere at the fucking bottom & i can't find it. this caused me an emotional collapse.

does anyone remember FRIENDSTER? what happened to that? i don't even know if i was ever a member. not important.

drinking my 40 from yesterday. never been one for drunken escapism, at least not on purpose, but lately i feel like just getting drunk instead of feeling soberly awful. i'd rather be irrationally, drunkenly, ridiculously upset than sober sad & in a weird way dead inside. i'd rather do drugs but there are no drugs. if i lived here maybe there'd be drugs all the time. my kind of place. cheap, my friends are here, lots of drugs, everyone drinks & drinking in the day isn't frowned upon. nobody cares how bad you smell or how hard your hair is caked to your face or how much beer you sweat out or even if you piss yourself. it's a city but not a massive city. it's not on island. anything that isn't an island would be a step up. some girl the other night said i should write abook about living on an island. it would be the most boring book ever. we could call it instead of a boring story, a boring book. by a boring person. i feel like i don't have skin, everything just rubs me raw & hurts. i feel so tired. i'm really going to miss my friends. i feel like i can't believe that i ever lived without them. maybe that's why i get so out of touch. maybe it's easier to live without people entirely than to live with the strange sort of half version of them. a version composed of sound & memory but feels a little like wearing latex gloves--a version you can feel & recognize but isn't all there. but when you see them, suddenly it all comes together, they make sense & as a whole they make life bearable. you don't have to force a conversation. you don't have to ask what we're going to do today, it just happens & you just do it. you forget & then you remember & i don't want to forget anymore.